What is Self-Compassion

As Dr. Kristen Neff emphasizes in her Ted Talk, self-compassion is giving yourself the same affirmation, understanding, and care that you would give someone else if they were in pain. When you are in a difficult situation, find something you don’t like about yourself, or fail, instead of ignoring your suffering or mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself, you must recognize what you are experiencing is difficult for you and ask “how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” You may try to change in ways that make you feel more healthy and happy, but that is only because you care about your well-being and what you want, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t acceptable the way you are. We will have shortcomings and not meet our ideal expectations of yourself, as some of us may have experienced with a change in routine in quarantine. But, we must realize that imperfection is a part of the human experience, so it is a reality that is shared by all of us.

Many of you may object to self-compassion because it feels sappy, because others seem more important, because we feel unworthy, or because we don’t want to build our ego. But the more we practice nonjudgmental awareness and reaction for our own life (or mindfulness), the more we prioritize self-compassion as a way to simply take care of ourselves, to value ourselves as much as anyone else, and to prepare ourselves for the service of others. We shouldn’t chase this idea of self-esteem where we are better than others and above-average, but rather we should chase loving ourselves despite our failures and qualities we may not love. We are all constantly a work in progress.

Self-kindness vs Self-Judgement:
Showing self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations, whether it’s through our behaviors or even just our thoughts. In fact, when we replace our self-critic with gentle, open-minded remarks, we are empowering ourselves constructively.

Common Humanity vs Isolation:
Frustration often stems from the feeling that we are the only one falling short of an ideal lifestyle or the only one suffering in a certain situation. But the very definition of being human is being mortal and imperfect. Personal inadequacy is something we all experience. Rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves, we can appreciate that others feel the same at times, validating our state of being.

Mindfulness vs Over-Identification:
Mindfulness is acknowledging and identifying our state of being and feeling as opposed to reacting to them. Mindfulness allows us to look at our thoughts without using judgement or rumination to make us feel worse. It allows us to adopt perspective when we do something that upsets us and also adopt our emotions with curiosity, clarity, and openness.